Today we find many parents frustrated, anxious, and hopeless about the future of their children — particularly fearing that their children are away from Allah's Deen. Such parents often blame themselves for this unfortunate reality. They feel guilty that it's all a result of their parenting. Naturally, this leads to a lot of debilitating anxiety. But the big question is — is it justified? Are we supposed to live in eternal guilt as parents? Answering this question in the light of Islam is very important for parents. Let's attempt it.
Two Domains of Human Life
In order to understand this we need to first realize that humans live in broadly two domains: one which they have agency on, and another which has agency over them.
Examples of the first are our choices in life — whether we choose water to quench our thirst or an alcoholic drink, whether we marry to satisfy our instinct or engage in illicit relations, whether we work to earn a living or steal.
The other domain can be subdivided into two: firstly, the laws of nature which we humans are subjugated to — our inability to walk on water or fly in the air, having no choice in our skin tone or body size. Secondly, the actions of others — being shot at, a car hitting us accidentally, a plane crashing and killing all its passengers.
This clear delineation is helpful in understanding that we are responsible for our actions — however, the outcome is in the hands of Allah.
What This Means for Parenting
Oftentimes parents will be negligent of their duties but their children might end up on the straight path. Such parents will still be held accountable for their negligence.
On the contrary, some parents might exert themselves to their fullest but their children might end up being influenced by Shayateen and their own nafoos. Such parents need to be assured that they did what was in their agency — and the outcome is beyond their control and something they must accept as the Qada of Allah (swt).
This is a very powerful concept, one that doesn't let you take your responsibilities easy, but at the same time helps you avoid burnout or getting frustrated if things go wrong.
The Misapplication That Confuses Muslims
This misapplication originated when Muslims came across Greek philosophy. Their sincere efforts to show the superiority of Islam ended up in the grave mistake of fusing logic and syllogism into the basis of thinking — particularly in matters of the unseen and the attributes of Allah (swt).
A very common question today is: "Do you trust in Allah or do you tie your camel?"
The correct answer does not lie in giving preference to one over the other. The question is flawed in its root because it disconnects the relationship between trusting Allah and tying the camel. It pushes the mind to search for causality — and our Iman tells us that Allah is the cause of everything. But then we are confronted with multiple pieces of evidence in the Islamic texts where we are reminded of the importance of undertaking actions to achieve results.
The resolution:
- Such questions are fundamentally flawed — they result from misunderstanding the Islamic Aqeedah
- As Muslims we 100% believe in Allah (swt) while at the same time we 100% believe in the responsibility to exert ourselves — and the very life of the Prophet (saw) is the perfect example of this connection
- The same source — the Revelation (wahi) — which tells us to rely on Allah also tells us to undertake actions and makes us accountable for them
- We differentiate between matters of belief and matters of action — Allah's will, power, and control of everything is a matter of belief, whereas what actions we should undertake is a matter of Shariah
If you are lazy and not trying to earn and someone asks you to work hard, would it make sense to respond by saying "Rizq is fixed by Allah"? That statement is 100% true — but it doesn't belong here. That is what I call misapplication.
The Upper and Lower Limits
The above can be termed as the upper limit of parenting — you are not neglectful arguing that it's all pre-ordained, nor do you get anxious when things don't go your way after you have done your best.
There is also a lower limit. Today it is very common for parents — particularly mothers — to feel pity for their children. This is an unhealthy state of mind for raising children, and it's a bottomless pit. You could be exhausting yourself and still feel you haven't done enough. The result would be unhappy parents and discontent children.
You don't owe your children a life you can't afford. Giving them unconditional love and respect shouldn't mean you fulfill all their wishes and never discipline them. There will surely be moments when your children will try to make you feel that you are authoritarian or even cruel. Does that mean you give in to their demands out of guilt? Of course not. You will do what is right and what is best — particularly in the longer term — for the child.
The Rope-Walker
Think of yourself as a rope-walker trying to cross a thin rope. You don't lean to either side or else you fall. One side is losing hope in Allah and the other side is losing hope in yourself.
A correct understanding nullifies misapplications and turns us into productive individuals and a progressive society — not neglectful of the Dunya and neither detached from Iman. This combination established the greatest civilization the world has ever witnessed: Islam.
